Dave and Lomps, up the wing.
One, two, three, four.
Left touchline, three, four.
Right touchline, three, four.
Offside trap. One, two,...
.. three, four. Now the belt,...
.. three. Now the shoes,...
.. three, four. Now the socks...
- Hang on, I can't... - Carry on!
Aagh!
- That were crap. - Well, give us a chance!
I bet even Madonna has difficulty with her shoes.
- You could've had me eye out! - Sorry.
What are you doing? They're borrowed!
We can use 'em for the show.
It's what them Chippendales do.
They put Velcro down the side, and then...
.. they're off! I'll sew 'em back up.
Where did you learn to be an ace sewer?
Prison.
Cheers, Nathe.
Come on, Al, it's me!
Which is precisely why it's 100 quid up front. Half-price.
If I give you t" club for not and you don't turn up, I've an empty bar on a Friday night.
Course we'll turn up! I haven't got 100 quid!
If you tell me what you're up to, it might help.
I can't. It's top-secret.
Sorry...
- All right, love? - Hi, Mum.
- What do you want? - All right, Mand?
I'm gonna get you all your money.
Our money. Nathan's. You know, for definite this time.
- Yeah, right. That all? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Well, no. The thing is, Mand, you have to speculate to accumulate, in business.
- I'm not sure I'm hearing this. - I'll get you it all. I just need a tiny bit.
- You want some money? - Yeah!
Right. I need someone int' packing section.
£2.50 an hour. You can start now, if you like. Are you coming?
Come on, Dad.
Nathan.
You can't do this, kid. It's your savings.
I can. I just need your signature. It says int' book.
I'd like to take my money out, please.
Well, you bloody well can't.
- You're all right, love. It's sorted. - It's my money!
£100, please.
When you're 18, you can walk in and get it yourself.
- You said you'd get it back. - I know!
But you don't want to listen to what I say.
You said so. I believe you.
You do?
Yeah.
Blimey, Nathe!
'make Me Smile " by Steve Harleyand CockneyRebel
You've done it all
You've broken every code
Come on, come on! One, two!
Pulled the rebel to the floor
You've spoilt the game
No matter what you say
And one for luck!
What a bore
Blue eyes, blue eyes
How can you tell so many lies?
Come up and see me
Make me smile
I'll do what you want
Running wild
Yeah!
Oooh
La-la-la
Oooh
La-la-la
Ooooooh
It's not straight, Lomps.
Give over, it's only a poster.
Christ al-bloody-mighty!
- All right, sweethearts? - Gary the lad!
What are you up to, then, shifty?
Bit of this, bit of that, bit of the other.
- Just advertising for some mates. - Oh, aye.
And who's gonna come and see your mates?
We had the real thing up here the other day.
Well, us mates are better.
- Better? How's that, then? - Well...
This lot go all the way.
- Don't they, lads? - The full monty? You lot?
Hell-fire! That would be worth a look!
- See you there, then. - Ta-ra.
Keep your hair on.
No way. No and never. In that order, kid.
Excuse me, no-one said anything to me about the full monty.
You heard 'em. We've gotta give them more than your average ten-bob stripper.
- Yeah, but... me willy. I mean to say... - Your willy?!
- My willy! - A laughing stock. Totally!
- Well, they're coming! - With a pair of scissors! They know it's us.
By closing time, every bugger in Sheffield will know it's us whether we do it or not.
We can forget it, go back to fucking job club,...
.. or do it and just maybe get rich.
And I tell you,...
.. folks don't laugh so loud when you've a grand in your pocket.
Now, are you in...
.. or are you out?
.. all sorts of problems for drivers on the Pennines.
So, please avoid the area if possible.
The good news is that the outlook for the rest of the week is much better,...
.. with the storms clearing to leave the weekend warm and sunny.
Now, back to the music. Here's another disco classic from the '70s.
It's Donna Summer with...
.. "Hot Stuff'.
Sitting here eating my heart out, waiting
Waiting for some lover to call
Dialed about a thousand numbers lately
Almost rang the phone off the wall
Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening
I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight
I want some hot stuff, baby, this evening
Gotta have some hot stuff
Gotta have some love tonight
I need hot stuff
I want some hot stuff
No.
Gerald, come on, mate. Just an hour!
You've got some fit birds in there.
Nah. Tits are too big.
Yeah?
Didn't know they could be.
Anti-wrinkle cream.
'ey, can fell as use this an' all?
Do you mind, you!
Well, I just pray they're a bit more understanding about us, that's all.
You what?
They're gonna be looking at us like that.
What if, next Friday, 4ú00 women say: "He's too fat, he's too old,...
.. and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser. "
- They wouldn't. - Why not? He said her tits are too big.
That's different. We're... blokes.
Yeah. And?
I think she's got nice tits.
I never said owt about her personality. She's probably quite nice.
They won't say not about your personality.
Which is good cos you're a bastard.
Bollocks to your personality! This is what they're looking at.
And I tell you summat, mate.
Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream, there is none.
Here... lads.
Oh, mother!
- Bloody hell! - Gaz said he wanted something a bit flashy.
It's top of thee range. Real leather.
Yeah, but...
- You don't get much. - What day is it?
- Monday. - When are we on?
Friday. Dress rehearsal tomorrow.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
How can I read the instructions? There wasn't any.
No? Well, maybe there's a part missing.
Yeah, I got that. If that's what you call it.
Well, if it's all there, how come it's not working?
What do you mean, in what sense?
It's not working in the sense that it's not working.
No, I can't speak up.
Nothing's happening, you know what I mean? Nothing's getting bigger.
Well, this is an emergency, is this.
What's the matter, big man?
I'm sorry.
Dave...
Dave.
Wanna bring a wild man back home
Gonna have some hot love, baby, this evening
I need some hot love, baby, tonight...
You're ahead.
Give us a break!
All right, kid.
Tell us straight.
We're not making the biggest arses of ourselves in the known universe, are we?
Dave, mate.
Can I have a word? In private, like.
Yeah. I suppose so.
Dave, you won't tell anyone, will you?
No, your, er... Your secret's safe with me.
When I were about 12,...
.. our school took us for... for swimming lessons.
Mixed classes.
You know, boys...
.. and... er...
.. and girls.
Oh...
It were terrible, Dave. I were there...
.. standing at t" side oft" pool in me trunks...
.. with all these pretty lassies around in bikinis!
And... Well, I...
I got, er...
I got a stiffy!
- What did you do? - I jumped into t" deep end.
I nearly fucking drowned!
What if it happens again?
Think of that, eh? In front of 400 women!
Gerald,...
.. you're talking to t" wrong man.
- You said it were just your mum. - It's family.
- What can you do? - Who the hell-fire's that?
Oh, no.
It's Beryl.
Me niece!
Where's Dave?
"Ere, Dave!
Dave!
- What are you doing? - What does it look like?
We're on in three days" time! Where the fuck are you?!
I'm "ere, working! Earning! That's where.
Not pissing about!
End of chat.
Dave.
- Come on, Dave. - No.
All right, then.
- Oooh, very nice. - Gaz, please, don't.
- Come on, Mr Security Guard. Do your job. - Gazza!
Horse, go out and tell 'em there's a delay.
They won't wait for ever.
Keep up, you fat bastard!
Don't ever call me a fat bastard, all right?!
- All right?! - We need you, Dave.
I can't.
I just can't. All right?
Listen, just think of thee most boring thing you can come up with.
- That should keep it well in order. - Like what?
- Double-glazing salesmen. - Gardening. The Queen's speech.
A Dire Straits double album.
- Nature programmes. - I like nature programmes.
Aye, but they don't give you a hard-on, though, do they?
Do they?
- Blimey... - Oh, shut up! It's not funny. It's medical.
He's not coming.
It's all right. We can do without him.
Hey!
He-ey!
Hey!
Huh! Huh!
Hey-ey!
Hey!
Huh!
Hey!
So your daddy dances in front of you?
When he's rehearsing.
We were dancing all right then, an" all.
My feet are freezing.
Right. Name.
Gary Schofield.
- Gerald Arthur Cooper. - What?
Gerald Arthur Cooper.
- Barrington Mitchell. - Barrington?
Yeah.
- Is that one R? - Two.
Told you. Robbing pipes, that's all.
Gary, my friend,...
.. no bugger robs pipes in the buff.
We do.
Don't get your clothes dirty, do you?
Oh. Well, don't fret, gents. There's a right good laundry in Wakefield prison.
Eh?
Security-camera tapes off the front desk.
What happened to the security guard?
You're always ahead there.
You're always bloody behind, more like.
Look... Excuse me, can I borrow this for a second?
Look, shut up, will you?! Watch.
He's right.
- You're ahead. - Oh, go... bollocks!
Ssh!
Ooh!
Ssh! Be quiet! Me mum'll hear.
- I've always wanted to meet your mum. - Ssh!
What do you mean, I can't see him? He's me son! I haven't been charged!
Ask Smiler in there! No charge!
Sorry. Social Services have requested an interview with you.
Have to make an appointment.
- I've come to pick up my son. - Oh, right. Er...
Just a minute.
He's fine. We've not been charged or owt.
So this is your great money-making enterprise? Pornography?
Don't be daft! We're getting your money.
My money?! Nathan's money!
- Here he is. - All right, Dad?
- All right, kid? - Yeah, fine. Hi, Mum.
Come on, love.
We're going now.
- Come on, Mand! - Unemployed,...
.. maintenance arrears of£700, and now an arrest for indecent exposure.
- Still think you're a good father? - He is trying.
- See? - A bit late for that.
- Hang on a minute! - Look at yourself, Gary!
Just look at yourself.
All right, mate?
So.
And this has been going on how long?
About six months.
I can cope with losing the sunbed.
Car. Television.
I can even cope with the shame of everyone watching this.
But six months! Six bloody months!
And you wouldn't say to me,...
.. to your wife.
I thought you liked them.
No, Gerald. I've never liked 'em.
They've taken me sunbed. They've taken bloody everything.
- Kept hold of your chips, though. - House repossessed.
Wife thrown me out.
Guess what.
I've just been offered that job.
Congratulations.
- All right, kid? - Hiya!
- Fancy a kick-about int" park? - Yeah.
Nathe.
Hi ya. All right, love?
You shouldn't be here.
- Says who? - Read the lawyer's letter, why don't you?
We're going swimming, Dad. Do you wanna come?
I can't, kid.
Haven't brought me trunks, have I?
- We can go get 'em. Can't we, Mum? - I can't, love.
Why?
I just...
I just can't. Sorry.
He's not allowed, is he?
Come on, love.
Dave!
Oi, you deaftwat!
What do you want now? I told you, I'm finished with you.
We're all finished, Dave.
I'm a bloody marked man now.
Sorry about your Nathan. It's a bad one, that.
Aye.
It's about Lomper.
What's that pasty-faced chuffer want?
His mum died two days ago.
Ah.
Poor lad. Sorry.
- Could you borrow us a jacket for t" funeral? - Gaz...!
Come on, Dave! It's not for me, it's a funeral!
What colour?
Orange.
- Orange? - Black, for fuck's sake!
All right. Look, I'll meet you by t" doors.
- Nice one. - Come on, then.
- Have you got some time off? - Nah.
Fucking pick'n'mix were driving me crazy.
Besides, it's a funeral.
- Are you ready? - Ready when you are.
Yaaa!
They bloody are, you know.
They're holding hands.
- They're never. - Straight up.
I never even hold hands with ruddy lassies.
Maybe I should.
Ah, who'd have ruddy thought it, eh?
Ah, well. There's not as queer as folk.
I said, 'there's not as queer as folk"!
Shut up, Dave. It's supposed to be a bloody funeral.
I'm sorry.
- 'ey, look! Who's that? - It's that guy!
Show us your pecs!
They were together in the paper, weren't they?
Have you been actively seeking work over the last fortnight?
Yeah.
Have you done any work, paid or unpaid, over the last fortnight?
No.
That's not what I've heard.
Right, come on, you lot!
'slaidburn. "
One, two, three, four.
- Go get shagged! - Get your knickers off!
Oh, fuck!
Hey, Patricia the Stripper!
- Bugger off. - Where have you bloody been?
What's going on? I had to buy 20 barrels! I've had no word from you!
I hope they're sale or return.
You're joking! You're bloody famous!
Yeah, don't remind me.
- I've sold 200-odd tickets! - How many?
Well done, Gerald. All the best.
Hey! Example for you there!
- Nice suit, Gerald! - Yeah.
Well, I... I'd best be off.
You never know, there might be a job in it for you boys.
- All right, lads? - All right, Gaz?
- Gareth. - We're on.
We're bloody on!
- You what? - We've sold 200 tickets. That's two grand!
It's a bit late for all that, Gaz. I mean...
I mean fresh start, you know.
One more time, Gerald.
You've got the rest of your fucking life to wear a suit!
- Gerald... - Aye, go on!
Come on, Gerald.
- Just once. - Yes!
That's all. Just tonight.
How about it, Dave?
Haven't you grown out of all that yet?
Come on, mate.
Nah. Sorry, lads.
Jean?
Jean, love!
There you are.
I should have guessed when you started wearing totty lotion.
You never put it on for me, did you?
- Jean? - Or this?
I never had you down for this sort of caper, David.
It explains a few things, at least.
No, look... I know it don't look good.
You're bloody right it don't.
All those nights you were late back...
.. and stupid cow here thought you were out looking for a job!
Well, no wonder.
No bloody wonder.
- It's so obvious. - No, I were with Gaz, honest.
Oh, right! She's one of Gaz's little tarts, is she?
Well, that makes sense.
She'd have to be to put up with this kind of shit!
Just listen, will you?! It's not to do with any fucking women!
I'm...
I were a stripper, right?
Me and Gaz and... some fellas thought we'd make a bob or two taking us clothes off.
Strippers?
All right, all right, I know.
You... and Gaz?
Strippers?
We weren't that bad.
Only I couldn't, could I?
Why not?
Well, look at me.
So?
Jeanie, who wants to see this dance?
Me, Dave.
I do.
Women only, you tosser!
Women only! It's on all t" posters, for fuck's sake.
No, nobody told me.
All the blokes from t" pub are in there.
- Bastards! - You'll be all right once you're on stage.
Once I'm on stage?
I'm going nowhere near the fucking stage! It's suicide! That's what it is! Suicide!
Come on, come on! Come on, come on!
Come on, come on! Come on!
Shit! I'll give the money back.
Alan, announce it, please.
To 4ú00 horny punters? Ask me another one, kid!
By "eck!
Our old dinner lady's ont" front row!
- We'll get torn to pieces! - You will if you don't go on!
Ever seen a zebra brought down by a pack of wolves?
- These nature films. Aren't they marvellous? - Brilliant, aren't they?
- They are, aren't they, Gerald? - Oh, pack it in!
- Not lost your bottle, have you, Gaz? - Dave!
There were not on telly so I thought I'd give it a go.
- I found this wandering about outside. - They wouldn't let me in.
What the hell are you doing "ere? Your mum'll go mad!
- She's out front. - Is she?
Is Barry with her?
She wouldn't let him come. Said it were women only.
Right! I can't hold them any longer! It's now or never!
Here we go. We're bloody on.
Go get your jacket on.
Can't we leave us G-strings on, Gaz?
Perhaps you better had.
No, we better hadn't.
Listen. If we're doing this, then just this once,...
.. we're doing it right.
Now, come on.
Come on, put your hands together...
.. and welcome Mr Dave Horsefall!
OK, ladies and gents... and you buggers up the back there!
Get on with it!
We may not be young, we may not be pretty, we may not be right good,...
.. but we're here.
We're live, and for one night only...
.. we're going for the full monty!
You can't miss it, not after everything.
- Come on, Gaz! Hurry up! - Sorry, lads.
Good luck, eh?
Huh!
Baby, take off your coat...
Listen.
I'm gonna get really annoyed with you.
They're cheering out there. You did that.
Now get out there and do your stuff.
God, is there anyone I don't get bollocked by?
Out!
Baby, take off your dress
Yeah!
You can leave your hat on
Go over there!
Turn on the light!
No...
All the lights
Come back here
Stand on the chair
Ooh, baby!
That's right
Raise your arms in the air
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Now shake 'em!
You give me reason to live
Listen to what I say
Keep your hat on
You can leave your hat on, baby
Ooooh!
Oo-ooh! Oo-ooh!
You can keep your hat on
Off! Off! Off!
Tell me, baby
You can keep your hat on
Gotta keep your
You can keep your hat on
Off, off, off!
Yeah!
You can leave...
Your hat on
Yeah!
Leave your hat on, baby!